The Cardinal Story | Dawne Long
And lo, I am with you always even to the end of the age. (Matthew 28:20b)
For He, Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5b)
My husband left me and entered Heaven 5 years ago. Since then, God’s faithfulness has been evident and noteworthy. I see His hand and feel His presence in so many ways, but as I remarked to my friends, He seems so quiet. My ties to my old life are loosened, and I feel I am drifting through life. And still, God seems silent. Jeremiah 29:12-13 (ESV) says,
“Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. “
So began my Summer of Solitude. Although now accustomed to aloneness, I tried to make it purposeful. I would seek God even if it were only within the confines of my own backyard. Evenings after work and time that was my own were spent on the deck with my Bible and books, and journals spread out. I listened to podcasts and noted my Bible. I read books, and I journaled. I wrote out prayers and continued silently in my head or even out loud. When darkness overcame, I moved inside and continued. But in addition to this season’s active pursuits, I just sat in the quiet and strived to be available. I watched the leaves move, the squirrels chase, and the birds swoop and fly overhead. And of the birds, I noticed the cardinal.
A cardinal visited our yard for years but now seemed much more constant. Maybe it was because I was actively looking. I know the legend of the cardinal. Cardinal comes from the Latin word cardo,which means hinge, as in the hinge between Heaven and Earth. (awarenessact.com) I know it is regarded as a sign or reminder of one who passed. I also know that the cardinal in my backyard is not my husband’s spirit, nor is it more than a bird, but I did note its presence, which gave me joy. Most importantly, it increased my awareness that God speaks in unexpected ways when I try to listen. The more deck time I spent quietly seeking Him, the more I began to hear Him. I heard Him remind me to be strong by a stranger in a van. A necklace with the same message arrived in the mail. He gave me a verse with a promise of a future. On our anniversary, He used the words of our wedding song in the pastor’s sermon. A meeting at work resulted in Him reminding me that He still sees me. Each occurrence, though small and dismissive, brought peace to my heart. Did any include any life plans or detailed instructions? No. The Truth in His written Word is enough, but the longer and quieter I sat, the richer and more profound the Truths seemed.
For the fifth Christmas, I shopped for a festive spray of evergreens and red ribbons to place on the gravesite. Each year I return to the same store, always on a Sunday after church. And each time, my eyes fill with tears as the cashier smiles kindly as she cuts the tags off for me so I can take it directly to the cemetery. This year I noticed a tin bucket of red wooden cardinals on sticks. With memories of my summer cardinal, I added one to the arrangement.
With the change of seasons, I continued seeking in quiet of indoors. I remembered my husband and our life together. His most endearing quality was his belief in me. He thought I was smart. He told me I was pretty. He believed I could do the impossible. His confidence in me was abundant, and I regularly borrowed some of his during the years of our happy partnership. In his absence, I often remarked to people that he had made many deposits of encouragement and security in my life and that I continued to make withdrawals from the abundance. How long could the supply last, and how could I still have an account to draw from? It took time and many patient attempts, but God showed me this was false. Attributes of confidence, hope, strength, courage, and even love were not leftovers from my marriage. And they never were. This time God spoke directly, not using symbols or song verses or flying birds, but through that small inner voice that is deafening.
“You thought all of these things were from Wayne, but it has always been Me.”
Life-sized puzzle pieces began to fit together. Through the years of my marriage, I misidentified the source of my security. Through grief and a broken heart, I willingly gave away the praise that rightly belonged to my God. My fears of a shortage of supply were baseless. My strength’s source is and always was from my God.
“From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1b-2 (ESV)
How humbling to realize my confusion. How exhilarating to feel His presence and continual assurance that I am not alone. My bank of confidence will not be overdrawn, nor is my solitary life unseen by Him. To be seen and noticed by the Holy God is a heady experience. But realizing that same God wants me to know Him more intimately and shares His Truth with me is beyond understanding.
Throughout the Christmas season, He continued to notice and see me. The ladies at a church outing exchanged Christmas ornaments table by table, passing and stealing back through a game until each one opened her ornament. By supposed chance, mine had a painted red cardinal. I thanked the giver, who was unknown to me, and explained my delight in receiving the gift of a cardinal. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears, and she explained. As she chose an ornament for purchase, God told her to pick the one with a cardinal because someone needed it. That evening she shared the story with her mother while driving to the event, and I could see in her face her realization that God used her willing heart.
The following Sunday, my sister-in-law presented me with a small paper bag. Inside was a red porcelain cardinal the size of my hand. I loved the figurine, the gesture, and especially that she said she purchased one for herself too. Later at our friend gift exchange, she gave red cardinals to everyone, so now we all share a little joint piece of God’s kindness and favor.
At our family Christmas party, the girls exchanged presents and again through a fun game that included choosing and swapping, and stealing gifts back and forth. I opened my eventual gift and at the box’s very bottom was a porcelain red cardinal. The uncanny presence of another cardinal did not escape my wonder and resulted in joy. It was not until the following day that I realized I now had a pair of cardinals. Since I felt the receipt of each cardinal was purposeful, what was the meaning of two? Maybe it represents the pair I used to be a part of as cardinals mate for life? Perhaps there is a person in my future, and I will not always be alone? Or maybe it is the continual reminder that regardless of appearances, I am not alone. My God has promised never to leave. His account of security, kindness, and love has no end. He sees me and has my purposeful life planned, which will eventually be revealed as I continue to seek Him with my whole heart.